It is only when you are truly away from everything that used to govern your life that you get the intrinsic feeling to want them all back. Denial, in its full form, has clouded my every train of thought since I was in 6th grade.
I've often told people (and always told myself) of how much I hated my parents. How their being too overprotective is annoying, how their conservativeness is a step backwards from the increasingly modernizing world, how every word they tell their friends-or even my own friends- shields me from 'running away from the past', how every little thing they do just makes me embarrassed. All these led me to be aloof, which subsequently turned me into a closed, bottled-up feeling monster. But at the young age of 12, I've been uncannily matured enough to contain all these, and present a more ideal person than who I really was. It's not that I chose to be someone else, it's just that I chose to be someone who denied everything he didn't want to be associated with. And I hated myself for doing this to myself because it left no room for me to be spontaneous anymore.
Zooming in to my hopefully last freshmen year of university, since I've shifted courses and schools, I still feel the same sentiments. However, I've realized how much I missed every annoying thing they do. I am still very much annoyed about how overprotective they can be, but I miss how it always made me feel safe and loved. And although I hate it when people keep bringing up the past, I just can't seem to move on to the future without reminiscing how the past has led me to where I am. And all those little things that they do to embarrass me? Well, I miss that too. Like whenever my mom slips or exaggerates certain achievements of mine, it honestly makes me more proud than embarrassed. Bottomline is, I miss my parents. I miss home. I miss my nonexistent childhood. And I miss being carefree, the times before I started becoming overly self-conscious of every single action I did.
Going away really does serve its purpose of being a 'full worldly experience.' And no matter how much you want to run away either from the past or from memories, you will inevitably face it in a rather different time and approach. Had I said I was the person I had always been, I'd be lying. I've always been the guy who precisely pre-plans everything I do and say because of the prominent judging eye of which is my own. And it's really a battle within my own self, to accept reality. And now that I've disclosed all these, I think I feel significantly better off.
And thank you, Modern Family Season 4 Episode 3 (especially this poignant scene below), for inspiring me to write this. Or for making me start to write again.