It's been months since I've last written for the sake of 'blood and ink'; that is, for mere sporadic literature zealotry.
Also, I haven't heard streaks of boisterous thunders in a long time. Sitting here in this humble tiny dorm room, mental pictures of how protagonists who live in those "predictable" old, solitary, wooden cabins in Thriller movies run amok as my musings go wild. We, however, share the same sentiments where the climax comes at the peak of thunder and uncertainty, probably because we're too engrossed by the walls we call "the world". Likewise, I haven't experienced the abuse of thunderstorm's raindrops akin to those once-in-a-while yet mortifying spanks of embarrassment from the parents. By this I mean real and raw pain, not some occasional "feeling blue" dispositions in which all you need is an amalgamation of a pint of Mint Chocolate Ice Cream, a damp, silky blanket, and a favourite movie you've probably watched millions of times.
Now, the thunderstorm has subsided like the uncertainty of a calm human being on a 24/7 PMS spree. What fear has intruded my thoughts has left with the sound of birds rejoicing the end of a storm. Yet, it is this fear, the crimson in our burning hearts, the platonic relationship between non-living and living, that makes us feel much alive. Additionally, it will never be sunny nor stormy forever, especially not both. Mathematically, this translates into a conditional probability of P(sunny | stormy) that yields zero causation. The mutually exclusiveness here lies in the fact that life, like nature, has deceptive ways to make you blame one mishap or opportunity for the other. Guess it's time to learn how each thing speaks for itself: today isn't a reason for yesterday, nor will tomorrow be a cause for the next.
I miss feeling alive. Yet, I should probably just go back to being "lifeless" and revise for my Statistics final exam. (Not that I have started anything productive today.) And although I'm very inclined to blaming this post for giving me less time to study, I guess I shouldn't. Not exemplifying the "zero causation" rule I mentioned would make me much more of a hypocrite than I already am.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
It's the eve of Chinese New Year; the streets - excluding Chinatown perhaps - are scarily emptier than usual, dark alleys are quite aplenty for once, a couple of 7/11s are closed, and kids all over Singapore are getting angpaos from their families and loved ones. Against that imagery are people who don't have anything but themselves. Case in example: myself, admittedly.
On the contrary to what we are exposed to in movies, spending your day alone isn't that bad. It's quite lonely, but that doesn't necessarily equate to a negative thing. Maybe you just need a break from everything, maybe you just need a therapeutic solitary walk, or maybe you just need to be by yourself sometimes. It's self-relieving, but not when it becomes routinic. And that's where my problem is probably rooted in. I would have chronicled what I did during the day to illustrate why I'm [back to] writing yet another melancholic blog post, but as the preceding paragraph has hinted I spent my day alone. It's just rather sad how I chose to spend this day eating fast food all by myself. Like yesterday, and the other day as well. I had no choice, really, because it was either that or to starve, so obviously I chose the former.
My point is that too much of something is never good; too much of spending quality me time, or sleeping, or mugging for school, or anything really is never good. But sometimes, you have no better choice but to suck it up. I guess I just need to stop wasting too much of my time waiting for things to happen in my life. It will undoubtedly take time to wait for that one day when I could stop being so bottled-up and lonely. After all, no one but yourself can define what a sense of "loneliness" or "belongingness" means. In the end, you are always dwindled with a choice in everything you do.
Similarly, you need to accept how life will always be throwing a cow at you. But that doesn't mean you can't reciprocate it with a thank-you card and a complimentary milk drink. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't just accept things to happen, and then do nothing. Be radical, do something different, live. Because unless you're home, or unless you accept that your current city is your home, you're not going to feel "home". Likewise, unless you accept that the world needs people who can step up and survive, you're really just a fickle of unwanted dust... which would seem much worse if you think of it in the Singapore context. (Curse you, clean streets.)
Anyway, since it's supposedly the 'New Year' by the time of posting, I guess I should try. Just try -- because I don't want to be bound by a finite number of action verbs and sh*t. To "just try" will probably help me break this routinic fast food and solitude combo of mine, which by the way is actually a lazy man's dream life. But yeah, I guess I can't just let things pass and do nothing else with my life especially since my life's not kaleidoscopic enough to begin with.
In lieu to this quite depressing post, I'd like to end this post with an off-topic, abrupt sign of happiness. So don't judge me for sounding bipolar because I just really want to take this opportunity to greet y'all a Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Here's to a chance for me to have a new year, a new perspective to life, and a new attempt to make my life much colourful. Again.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Before you judge the title of this post, and before you tell me that it's 2013 and that I should get over Gangnam Style, I just wanna share to you all this really creative cover of the said song/music video. It's refreshing to see so much talent all over the world, even if the creative minds behind stuff like this are too shy to give themselves credit whether in form of a watermark or ownership. Nevertheless, I guess they're not in it for the fame, and really just want people to be happy about life in general. And for that, here's me giving you a virtual high-five! Thanks, Mr./Ms. Anonymous!
So yeah, gonna keep this short as I go back to mugging for my lessons. Lol, enjoy the video!
P.S. This is not mine, and credit goes to the owner whoever he/she may be.
Monday, January 14, 2013
|Lunch with Project Buhi OCSP friends (Jan. 13, 2013)|
Since it's my last year of being a teen, I guess a simple post of appreciation would be the least I can do. And because this is the first time I have ever celebrated my birthday away from home, family, and friends (back in the Philippines/around the world), I can't thank everyone for how much I have enjoyed the 19 years that have led me to where I am today.
I honestly didn't plan to do anything for my birthday this year. As a matter of fact, I sorta forgot I had a birthday, and that it was coming so soon. But to my SMU Barkada family, Project Buhi OCSP family, and the Sypongco family, and Nicole, Izzie and Jenny, thanks for giving me a reason to look forward to 2013. And thanks, too, for making my stay here in Singapore the best I could have possibly asked for.
Personally, I think that birthdays are a reminder that we have already lived so much, yet will still have the opportunity to live much more. They're there to show us a chronicle of the journey we all have, to give us a reason why life is so much better when we remember what we're thankful for. And whether I'll be 19, or 50, or 87, I'm just really grateful to everyone who has been, and still is, a part of my life.
|Buffet dinner with the Sypongco family (Jan. 13, 2013)|
|Surprise from my SMU Barkada family (Jan. 12, 2013)|
|With Izzie, Nicole, and Jenny (Jan. 14, 2013)|
There's not much concrete things to say left, really. So I'll just keep it somehow short and simple: thanks, everyone, for making my 19th birthday very memorable. Rather, for making my life very awesome thus far. However, I don't want to feel or be treated extra special today. Why? Because I want to believe that each day can special no matter if it's your birthday or not. Nevertheless, I feel so blessed for the gift of life that God has bestowed upon me today. LOL, sabaw! But really, thank you guys for everything!
As this day is coming to an end, I really, really, really can't ask for more than what or who I already have in my life. Love y'all. #Peaceout#Swag #Hipster #Bored #OkayIllStop #DontKillMeFriends #Hashtag #ThisAintTwitter
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Fickleness. It isn't really my greatest asset, but it has always kept me at pace with my ever-changing mind. Likewise, it's probably my way of surviving the rapidness of globalization and world change, an allude to constant developments of about anything. And especially myself too.
In context with today's release of results for the ACET, I'd like to say a few things to those who got accepted and to those who didn't. While I can't feel for the latter as I got accepted to ADMU, I can attest to the "God has better plans for me" thinking y'all have right now. Because mind you, ADMU was my dream school. Heck, it may even still be. But even if our situations are different, I believe that sometimes dreams aren't always supposed to happen. Dreams will be crushed, but also, dreams will change. Truth of the matter is, it isn't really getting there - the destination and end - that makes it feel like a dream. Trust me, I still have never stepped inside the riveted campus grounds of ADMU myself. And I too had to "change" my dream plans.
In retrospect around the same time two years ago, I was like one of you soon-to-be Freshies, waiting anxiously for the results. I remember that day so well; I was in school practicing for our upcoming play with the Theatre Arts Guild when my friends said that the results were posted at the ADMU gym. I panicked. I had not really done well in the exam, which I'm sure most of us felt as well. Also, like this year's batch, the online results only went up at noon and the posting at the ADMU gym was already done. So I got overly anxious and texted all my friends who had friends in that school to check for me.
I remember so well I jumped off the stage when my friend finally replied to my text. It was one of the most agonizing few-minute waits in my whole life, to be frankly. It was that euphoric kick in me that was never there, smacking my face with a rare genuine smile that lasted the whole day.
But I guess God had other plans for me. Rather, I'd like to frame it this way: "I had other plans for me." In the end, I didn't get to go to ADMU because of certain restrictions I had no control over. But was it unfortunate? Was it really the end of things? No, because life doesn't stop just because the door has closed.
For those who got in, awesome job! But know that university isn't just about getting accepted. If we're being honest, it goes downhill from there. Sure you'll make many new friends, go to awesome parties, and probably live the college life you see in movies. But this isn't like the movies. You'll also have a plethora of research to do and papers to write, demonic professors who will make your life a living hell, and the hardest yet most useless subjects to endure and study about. You'll see that college is more than just the positives and that some may have it better, and some may not. But if you learn from all the in-betweens, I guess that's what makes that journey worth it.
For those who didn't, I say this again. It is not unfortunate. Because it doesn't matter where you go for your studies, really. University is about finding yourself in the process of the 3, 4, or 5-year undergraduate course; it's about the overall experience and in-betweens. Rejoice should be set in stone for those who got in on this day, but know that life will not be easier just because you achieved your dream. That's mainly the reason why I wrote this: because achieving your dream is not the same as living the dream.
Living the dream requires a matured appreciation of the road to it, not merely the end. Because at the end of the day, with all your accomplishments or the lack thereof, are the ends all you live for? Treat dreams like life and death, with getting the dream paralleled to dying. It's an end point of a line, and when you're there, what's next? Nothing, really. I have since altered the crushed "ADMU" dreams I sometimes still think about. I have moved on, and actually, it feels good having to not get there in the end. The road to my new dream has changed its course, but again, I don't do it to achieve the dream. I do it because I want to live. To have something to tell my future children about. To live a life without always thinking about the end.
So I hope this post enlightens everyone. I know some may agree or disagree with whatever I have just said, but who cares? You don't circumscribe yourself to an acceptance or rejection, that's not how life works.
My many acceptances and rejections did come at a price that I like to call "reality". And I'm glad to have been able to see a more balance view of reality, because who doesn't want to live for the moments?